Nipple Sandwich

So what has it been, like two weeks since I last posted on this blog? I know what you're thinking: "What a jackass."

Stop right there. I can explain.

Exactly two weeks ago, a Keebler Elf bit off my hands when I stuck them in the oven as he was baking his chips deluxe. "This is what you get," he said.

He was right. That is "what I get." Fortunately, after I spent about ten days tenderly massaging Cornelius's nipples (with my nipples), he was generous enough to bake me some new mitts. These ones are even better than the last! I just have to remember not to dunk them in milk.

Open Letter

I thought I would check in since I have neglected you for so long. How are you doing? Are you eating your sandwiches? Did you get that shirt tailored? I hope so. It was a real mess.

I have been okay. Please send my regards to Jane. She's a really special girl. I hope she gets that job at the Mayor's office. My classes have been going well, although I am not particularly proud of my work. The teacher doesn't grade us, but I got my last assignment back with a coffee stain on the lower left corner, which must mean something.

Well, I'm sure that you are very busy. Keep on practicing and you will get there. I bet they'll be blown away at the next audition. You are soooo talented.

I love you,

Clyde

My previous post

Just so people do not get too upset, I would like to assure you all that I have the utmost respect for the Asian people.

By making fun of Asians, I am not trying to pass judgment on "the other." Rather, I am laughing at my own kind.

You see, although I was born white, when I was fourteen years old and touring the Korean Peninsula with my indy rock band, I had to get my appendix removed.

Unfortunately, my cooky doctor took out my liver instead.

I quickly learned that I needed a liver to survive. And since they had already thrown mine out, they decided to give me someone else's.

So technically a tiny part of me is Asian. This is why, every once in a while, I get a strong craving for Pokemon and dumplings.

And now for another installment of...

Why I think Asian people are ridiculous.



Silly kids, you're not supposed to wear that on your face. I bet you know that too. That's what makes you guys so silly.

Palindromes in Palestine

Good point Zeev! 303 is indeed a palindrome.

Thank you for your Revisionist thought Mr. Jabotinsky.

Also, just to show that I do not have anything against Saturday Night Live or the Lonely Island writers who recently joined their team, here is a little sketch that I definitely enjoyed.

THE PLAGUE THAT ATE MY FIRST-BORN

An anonymous reader posted a comment on my March 31st entry "Good Catholics Live in Chelsea." According to Anonymous (who also goes by the name Milty): "We are suffering a plague that feeds off the crop known as funny." I tend to agree.

And how appropriate it is to talk of plagues when we are so close to the Passover holiday! There have been a number of plagues in recent memory (Jimmy Kimmel, Larry the Cable Guy, etc).

But the number one plague this year is SNL's Lazy Sunday. The real issue with this video is not that it sucks. That's fine. It's even expected. The problem instead lies in the fact that so many people, including YOU, loved the clip so much that they felt the need to post it on their AIM profile, or refer to it on the Facebook, or email it to me.

What is so funny about buying muffins? Or paying with ten dollar bills? Or Google Maps?

I don't know, but apparently the rest of the world does.

Sugar Baby

Hey all. Sorry that I haven't posted in a few days. It has been a busy week.

I was on the subway two or three days ago and an older white woman began talking to this little black girl who was sitting down with her mother. The woman was one of those hippie-yoga-voodoo-ganja-veggie-types who had the body of a 40 year old, but the face of a crack addict. The girl, on the other hand, was a scrumptious little cutie-pie.

Anyway, for a time I chose to ignore their conversation and listen to my iPod. Fortunately, it died just in time for me to catch the tail end of what must have been a truly enlightening debate.

Old Woman: "You know, you should really limit your complex carbohydrate intake."
Little Girl: "..."
Old Woman: "If you eat more protein, you won't crave so much sugar."
Little Girl: (pause) "What does that mean?"

Can you believe that? The poor girl doesn't even know what a complex carbohydrate is. No wonder the Indians are taking all of our jobs.

LICENSE TO ILL

I got my driver's license yesterday! Woohoo!!!!

Well, I got a signed receipt that said I am licensed to drive.

If you're wondering what it looks like, I have included this picture, which I took with my recently acquired discount webcam. As you may have noticed, I have covered my face with the receipt to hide my true identity. I learned this useful trick from Tim Taylor's wacky neighbor, Wilson (who, rumor has it, is a convicted baby killer).

Now that I can drive, all of the neighborhood girls think I'm the coolest. Maybe I'll take one of them to a drive-in movie. I'll wear my leather jacket and we'll make out. I'm totally the Fonze.