fill me with liquid metal and i can't breathe

About a week and a half ago I went in to get an MRI. A mysterious ailment originating in my pelvic region was the cause for the visit. I wouldn't say that the MRI was absolutely necessary, but when the doctor mentioned the idea I jumped at the opportunity to have my delicates scanned by a large spinning magnet.

Unfortunately, my problem wasn't big enough to warrant a CT Scan; this would have given me the opportunity to see whether or not a big healthy dose of radiation could do anything to increase the size of my testes and/or penis. Many people worry that the exact opposite might happen, but if you have ever read a comic book or watched any TV at all, you will realize that radiation serves to make things bigger and stronger, not weaker, as certain penny-pinching "experts" would have you believe.

Finally, after being placed into the child-sized MRI machine - apparently I was the tallest person to enter the thing all day (it was 8:30pm and I am 5'10) - I was treated to some superb German industrial punk music and a little bit of drum n' bass. It was absolutely amazing, I'm a very thin guy (seriously, I could be a model), and even as they slid me into the machine my arms were getting stuck. Luckily, I had a full two inches in front of my face, which provided me with plenty of room to explore during my thirty minutes of voluntary paralysis.

Seriously, the time just flew by.

When the technician began asking me to hold my breath, I was admittedly a little nervous, and when at one point he forgot to tell me that I could breathe again, I did manage to become just slightly more panicked. However, I was soon calmed down when the technician decided to pump liquid gadolinium into my bloodstream in order to increase the quality of the images. Upon feeling that cold metal shoot through my veins I was instantly able to relax, as I thought of how wonderful it was that I finally knew what Arnold Schwarzenegger must have felt like in 1984 and then again in 1991 when he was first sent to Earth to destroy and subsequently to save human-kind.

Now all I need is a few guns and an Austrian accent.