Stop Shaking The Baby

Nipple Sandwich

2006-05-03T22:34:00.000-04:00

So what has it been, like two weeks since I last posted on this blog? I know what you're thinking: "What a jackass."

Stop right there. I can explain.

Exactly two weeks ago, a Keebler Elf bit off my hands when I stuck them in the oven as he was baking his chips deluxe. "This is what you get," he said.

He was right. That is "what I get." Fortunately, after I spent about ten days tenderly massaging Cornelius's nipples (with my nipples), he was generous enough to bake me some new mitts. These ones are even better than the last! I just have to remember not to dunk them in milk.

Open Letter

2006-04-19T20:06:00.000-04:00

I thought I would check in since I have neglected you for so long. How are you doing? Are you eating your sandwiches? Did you get that shirt tailored? I hope so. It was a real mess.

I have been okay. Please send my regards to Jane. She's a really special girl. I hope she gets that job at the Mayor's office. My classes have been going well, although I am not particularly proud of my work. The teacher doesn't grade us, but I got my last assignment back with a coffee stain on the lower left corner, which must mean something.

Well, I'm sure that you are very busy. Keep on practicing and you will get there. I bet they'll be blown away at the next audition. You are soooo talented.

I love you,

Clyde

My previous post

2006-04-12T01:30:00.000-04:00

Just so people do not get too upset, I would like to assure you all that I have the utmost respect for the Asian people.

By making fun of Asians, I am not trying to pass judgment on "the other." Rather, I am laughing at my own kind.

You see, although I was born white, when I was fourteen years old and touring the Korean Peninsula with my indy rock band, I had to get my appendix removed.

Unfortunately, my cooky doctor took out my liver instead.

I quickly learned that I needed a liver to survive. And since they had already thrown mine out, they decided to give me someone else's.

So technically a tiny part of me is Asian. This is why, every once in a while, I get a strong craving for Pokemon and dumplings.

And now for another installment of...

2006-04-11T16:31:00.000-04:00

Why I think Asian people are ridiculous.

Silly kids, you're not supposed to wear that on your face. I bet you know that too. That's what makes you guys so silly.

Palindromes in Palestine

2006-04-11T11:40:00.000-04:00

Good point Zeev! 303 is indeed a palindrome.

Thank you for your Revisionist thought Mr. Jabotinsky.

Also, just to show that I do not have anything against Saturday Night Live or the Lonely Island writers who recently joined their team, here is a little sketch that I definitely enjoyed.

THE PLAGUE THAT ATE MY FIRST-BORN

2006-04-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

An anonymous reader posted a comment on my March 31st entry "Good Catholics Live in Chelsea." According to Anonymous (who also goes by the name Milty): "We are suffering a plague that feeds off the crop known as funny." I tend to agree.

And how appropriate it is to talk of plagues when we are so close to the Passover holiday! There have been a number of plagues in recent memory (Jimmy Kimmel, Larry the Cable Guy, etc).

But the number one plague this year is SNL's Lazy Sunday. The real issue with this video is not that it sucks. That's fine. It's even expected. The problem instead lies in the fact that so many people, including YOU, loved the clip so much that they felt the need to post it on their AIM profile, or refer to it on the Facebook, or email it to me.

What is so funny about buying muffins? Or paying with ten dollar bills? Or Google Maps?

I don't know, but apparently the rest of the world does.

Sugar Baby

2006-04-07T22:43:00.000-04:00

Hey all. Sorry that I haven't posted in a few days. It has been a busy week.

I was on the subway two or three days ago and an older white woman began talking to this little black girl who was sitting down with her mother. The woman was one of those hippie-yoga-voodoo-ganja-veggie-types who had the body of a 40 year old, but the face of a crack addict. The girl, on the other hand, was a scrumptious little cutie-pie.

Anyway, for a time I chose to ignore their conversation and listen to my iPod. Fortunately, it died just in time for me to catch the tail end of what must have been a truly enlightening debate.

Old Woman: "You know, you should really limit your complex carbohydrate intake."
Little Girl: "..."
Old Woman: "If you eat more protein, you won't crave so much sugar."
Little Girl: (pause) "What does that mean?"

Can you believe that? The poor girl doesn't even know what a complex carbohydrate is. No wonder the Indians are taking all of our jobs.

LICENSE TO ILL

2006-04-04T18:01:00.000-04:00

I got my driver's license yesterday! Woohoo!!!!

Well, I got a signed receipt that said I am licensed to drive.

If you're wondering what it looks like, I have included this picture, which I took with my recently acquired discount webcam. As you may have noticed, I have covered my face with the receipt to hide my true identity. I learned this useful trick from Tim Taylor's wacky neighbor, Wilson (who, rumor has it, is a convicted baby killer).

Now that I can drive, all of the neighborhood girls think I'm the coolest. Maybe I'll take one of them to a drive-in movie. I'll wear my leather jacket and we'll make out. I'm totally the Fonze.

Good Catholics Live in Chelsea

2006-03-31T01:12:00.000-05:00

Walking home tonight I noticed this advertisement outside of a subway station. Without thinking, I read the caption first. "Of course," I thought, "It's about time that average Catholics broached the topic of contraception."

Then I noticed the picture.

The last I checked, sodomy was slightly higher than birth control on the Church's list of "dont's."

I Should Have Been a Doctor

2006-03-29T01:26:00.000-05:00

I finally got those MRI results back. Here is one of the images.

A close analysis of the vertical series of marshmallows and gaps running through the image seems to confirm the existence of a central nervous system.

Thank God.

chicken versus egg, beef versus plague

2006-03-28T17:43:00.000-05:00

Thank you Rich for your insightful questions.

Maybe we could solve all of our plague issues if we just had a little bit of peanut butter and jelly with a baseball bat. (Thanks to Eugene Debs* for this contribution.)

*Unfortunately Eugene passed away recently (81 years ago this October). He will be sorely missed.

Let them eat beef

2006-03-28T14:10:00.000-05:00

According to "Rich", corned beef on rye is better when served hot.

Do you have any idea where these children live? Who has time to warm up their corned beef when they are trying to avoid the plague? You are so naive...

Christian Children

2006-03-28T01:16:00.000-05:00

I was just watching some commercial for the Christian Children's Fund where the narrator says, "some of these children are going to bed without a hot meal." Can someone please explain to me, what is so damn special about hot meals? What's wrong with a good sandwich? Just give them some corned beef on rye, I'm sure they'll be fine.

Pretty Queer Eyes

2006-03-24T14:15:00.000-05:00

Over the past week, I have found myself in three (count it, three!) homosexual establishments. One might conclude that this type of pattern is indicative of some underlying urge. However, I would have to refute that charge. I am what one might call an "extreme heterosexual." Kinsey himself wouldn't be able to stand in the same room as me.

Last night, I walked into what turned out to be a predominantly lesbian bar, with a smattering of pretty men and "handsome" women. Perhaps I should have noticed that something about this place was strange upon seeing the six-foot-nine diva with no breasts and the shoulders of a basketball player, or the drag queen giving manicures. But no, it wasn't until I saw a man and woman attempting to pick each other up by the breasts and genitals on the dance floor that I realized that something was wrong. (Apparently, homosexuals are amused by public displays of these normally sexual acts.)

Once it was confirmed that I was indeed at a lesbian bar, I began to realize why there were so many single women mingling (some were even buying each other drinks!) As a result, I have decided that "gaydar" is a term that should be reserved exclusively for male homosexuals, since the ability to point out queer females requires a completely different skill. Perhaps we could call it "Lesdar." Or, as a friend suggested, "V-Dar." Who knows? It is quite possible that the homosexuals have already come up with a name that I am unaware of. God knows they like keeping their little secrets.

As you can tell, the night ended on a sour note. For a time, I thought I had found paradise. But, apparently paradise doesn't exist. The closest thing to it is a lesbian bar in the East Village.

It's your turn to clean the vomitorium

2006-03-20T23:04:00.000-05:00

I will admit right now that I haven't been very fair to my readers over the past week, providing you only with the occasional comedic morsel. This form of starvation has proven so effective that your comedy "stomachs" have shrunken to the size of walnuts. They are so small, in fact, that these first few lines would probably be enough to satiate your desires (that is, were they actually filled with warm jokey deliciousness, which they are not). However, I would like to warn you all now, I am preparing to burst your gut. I plan on adding some great posts over the next few days, and I guarantee that you will feel so overwhelmed by my salty, crunchy, and sometimes spicy comedy delicacies that you will be vomiting laughter all over the room. It will be both disgusting and hilarious.

I'm officially a poet

2006-03-20T00:40:00.000-05:00

Ran in front of a car
Rubber burned on tar
Thank God he stopped his Audi
Asshole driver got all rowdy
He called me a stupid idiot
And I hate that

Mystery Solved

2006-03-17T13:48:00.000-05:00

I finally figured out who shot John F. Kennedy.

It was this lady.

She was right under our noses the whole time.

Question

2006-03-17T01:36:00.000-05:00

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where does Felicity Huffman come from?

Electoral Collage

2006-03-14T14:52:00.000-05:00

According to the New York Times editorial board, Americans should seriously consider eliminating the electoral college. After all, the popular vote is all that really counts anyway, right?

Wrong.

I mean, come on, we spend our whole lives learning that being popular isn't everything - in fact, it can ruin your life (see: Mean Girls) - and then suddenly the New York Times brings us the breaking news that the presidential election is really just a popularity contest. I guess this shouldn't come as much of a surprise. Look at the vocabulary that we use when describing our government: college, parties, freshmen, seniors, independents (aka "bi-curious").

So, if we don't eliminate the electoral college, what do we do? Maybe we can spice it up a little bit. After all, the old red & blue color scheme is getting a little tired isn't it? Maybe we can add a few new colors. What about turqoise, or magenta?

And as long as we're talking about Republicans and Democrats, what the hell is going on with the elephant and the donkey? Yes, back when the Republican Party was formed it was not uncommon to see men like Abraham Lincoln riding to work on elephants. But nowadays, that practice has become so rare that they no longer even reserve spots in the Senate parking lot. That is, except on "Alps Night," when both Houses of Congress get together to stage a reenactment of Hannibal's battles against the Romans.

Toga! Toga! Toga!

Well, here you have it, my very first link. Aren't you proud?

2006-03-13T12:10:00.000-05:00

Did you know that diet candies could make you thin?

I did, that's why I've been eating them for years. What's the secret ingredient you ask? Why, Ayds of course!

Apparently, they've contracted the disease on the other side of the pond as well.

Milestones (or kidneystones - I'm still waiting for those test results)

2006-03-12T23:21:00.000-05:00

To my many fans out there, I would like to express my deepest apologies for the choppy service. I have been so busy reading my fan mail that I almost forgot to take care of all of my fans! (Note: For those of you who don't know, I do that by providing them with hysterical commentary and real life stories that just tug at the heart strings). Want an example of a real tear-jerker? Well, last week I was performing surgery on Grey's Anatomy when I found out that my seventeen-year-old patient had a brain tumor. What was I to do? Well, I took his life story as my own inspiration. I saw the love that he felt for his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him before his surgery and I began to understand that love can conquer all. Except for death. He died right there on the operating table, before I even had a chance to make some funny joke about my intern's sexual pursuits. But seriously, its not really my fault, brain tumors are hard! Fortunately, I asked Meredith Grey on a date and she said "yeah," and gave me that cute little teddy bear smile. I love her.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. How could I forget my beloved fans, all 19 of them? That's right, 19 people have now visited my site (look at the counter, who knows, you could be 20). If that isn't a milestone then I don't know what is. 19's a prime number, which all of you math majors out there must love. After all, isn't that what you all yearn for, a nice juicy piece of prime number, medium rare?

I, on the other hand, love stereotypes.

A completely original joke, by me

2006-03-11T00:22:00.000-05:00

A puzzle piece is on a talk show, complaining that he has to share his wife with so many other pieces.

Puzzle Pete: “It’s hard, you know, all day my wife is screwing around with these other guys. Some of them are just too big to fit in her. She comes home and she is completely bent out of shape.”

Puzzle Peg: “If you’re so jealous, why don’t you join in on the fun?”

Puzzle Pete: “That's not an option. I’m an edge piece, I don’t take it from behind”

Bukake Jackie

2006-03-09T20:42:00.000-05:00

Apparently, people want to see pictures in blogs (sometimes they even talk about "links"). So, here is the first installation of my new series:

Why I think Asian people are ridiculous.

fill me with liquid metal and i can't breathe

2006-03-09T15:28:00.000-05:00

About a week and a half ago I went in to get an MRI. A mysterious ailment originating in my pelvic region was the cause for the visit. I wouldn't say that the MRI was absolutely necessary, but when the doctor mentioned the idea I jumped at the opportunity to have my delicates scanned by a large spinning magnet.

Unfortunately, my problem wasn't big enough to warrant a CT Scan; this would have given me the opportunity to see whether or not a big healthy dose of radiation could do anything to increase the size of my testes and/or penis. Many people worry that the exact opposite might happen, but if you have ever read a comic book or watched any TV at all, you will realize that radiation serves to make things bigger and stronger, not weaker, as certain penny-pinching "experts" would have you believe.

Finally, after being placed into the child-sized MRI machine - apparently I was the tallest person to enter the thing all day (it was 8:30pm and I am 5'10) - I was treated to some superb German industrial punk music and a little bit of drum n' bass. It was absolutely amazing, I'm a very thin guy (seriously, I could be a model), and even as they slid me into the machine my arms were getting stuck. Luckily, I had a full two inches in front of my face, which provided me with plenty of room to explore during my thirty minutes of voluntary paralysis.

Seriously, the time just flew by.

When the technician began asking me to hold my breath, I was admittedly a little nervous, and when at one point he forgot to tell me that I could breathe again, I did manage to become just slightly more panicked. However, I was soon calmed down when the technician decided to pump liquid gadolinium into my bloodstream in order to increase the quality of the images. Upon feeling that cold metal shoot through my veins I was instantly able to relax, as I thought of how wonderful it was that I finally knew what Arnold Schwarzenegger must have felt like in 1984 and then again in 1991 when he was first sent to Earth to destroy and subsequently to save human-kind.

Now all I need is a few guns and an Austrian accent.

blog blog blog blog blog blog blog

2006-03-09T00:32:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone.

Finally, I have taken the leap and am now posting on a blog. Apparently this is something very new and daring. There are men and women in countries like Iran posting on blogs, risking their very lives so that we know what they had for breakfast.

Well, you know what? In this blog, I'll tell you what I had for lunch as well.

I hope they don't chop off my nose for this...

Very Specific Predictions, by Swanee - Astrologer to the Stars!

2006-03-09T00:06:00.000-05:00

ARIES

You will have three children, and they will all be named Thomas. But one of them will be a girl. So you will call her Janet.

But her name will really be Thomas.

When you get home you will find out that your milk has expired, even though you thought that you had one more day. This will cause you serious problems, because you have many cookies, but no milk. You will decide to drink the expired milk, and become very sick. Scientists will later discover you had ringworms.